S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 9 October 1995. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
Diarrheic Web Sites
 

[Kim Overnight]

The Spot, that "episodic Website"

containing the daily musings of

the ever-so-popular Spotmates (our

vote for the new Spotmate goes

to Kim, whose motto, "When you

absolutely, positively have to

have it overnight...I deliver"

leads us to believe that she

might like to Suck) will soon

have competition in the form of

The East Village Web site, put

together by Marinex Multimedia,

according to a press release on

Marinex's own The Biz. Unlike

the Spot, The East Village's

daily (and nightly, we're sure)

ongoings of "alien abduction,

green card marriage, and

amnesia" will be told through a

single "journalist", the

appropriately-named Eve. Can we

contain our anticipation until

November?

 

But why accept these saccharine

substitutes? The Web offers the

diarrheic exploits of true net

denizens, not the

canned-narrative, Photoshopped

frolickings of modeling school

flunkies. You may not find the

consistent wit and wisdom of An

Entirely Other Site, or the

sheer literary genius of the

Loser Living Upstairs in these

pages, but the raw ambition and

determination of the brave

souls willing to air their dirty

laundry (or, at least, to wash

it) before the whole of the net

demands some attention. Permit us,

then, to recap last week's

exploits of the Web's intrepid life

chroniclers, and allow you, our

dear reader, to decide upon the

sordid life that you'd be most

pleased to follow (or that most

resembles your own):

 

[Bryon]

Bryon, in his Semi-Existence,

fantasies about being kidnapped

by attractive women at gunpoint.

On Monday, Bryon sits alone in

his apartment with his kitties,

and thinks about neutering

Ashley. Bryon later in the week

decides he doesn't want any more

cats. Bryon watches televised

baseball games on Tuesday and

Wednesday and the teams he roots

for don't win. The week ends

with Bryon thinking of ways for

people to kill themselves.

 

[Coffee Shakes]

Saturday finds Sage watching a

movie at home with Kitey and

Todd, although Todd goes

upstairs to sleep halfway

through the flick. Todd, Sage,

and Kitey all do laundry

together on Sunday, then

dumpster dive at Goodwill. Jill

comes home two days early. Sage

wakes Monday to the sound of

Kitey throwing up; Kitey

continues to vomit for most of

the day. On Wednesday, Sage,

Todd, and Sarah drive around for

three hours trying to find an

interesting movie playing at a

theater, but rent a video

instead. Sage gets up the

courage to tell Jill she doesn't

like to be called "Sagey". Sage,

Todd, Jill, and Kitey argue over

Sage's birthday cake. Sage

decides to cancel the planned

hiking trip. Kitey and Jill

discuss getting married Friday,

but first mail a letter and look

for jobs; Sage reminisces about

a dinner at Friendly's four

years ago.

 

[Carolyn]

Early in the week, Carolyn mulls

over the quest for celebrity or

anonymity, and its ramifications

for net culture; offers up

instructions on how to wind a

watch; and shares her belief

that adopting the social mores

and manners of speech and dress

of those in power will elevate

the social standing of the

disenfranchised. On Thursday,

Carolyn expresses her desire to

have the ability to vote in a

democratic election on when and

where she can park. The next

morning Carolyn awakes from

dreams she can't breathe, and

waxes nostalgic for the days

when she lived with Peter, who

is now with another woman.

Carolyn comes to the realization

that Peter was a cheapskate, but

doesn't say so explicitly. Hella

arrives for an extended stay on

Saturday. Carolyn and Hella eat

breakfast together Sunday, and

Carolyn rallies on feminist

academic rhetoric.

 

[Willa's Journal]

This is a trying week for Willa,

since both she and Bob will have

difficulties with a new PC.

Willa helps with a garage sale

on Saturday, while trying to

assure her aunt (and herself)

that the retirement complex is

really a nice place; a spring on

the garage door breaks Wednesday

night, and costs $100 to fix. On

Thursday, Bob plays softball and

Willa goes to the library. Willa

catches the X-Files on Friday.

Saturday, Willa goes shopping,

and has difficulty finding a

place to park; she gets some

catalogs in the mail, and does

her laundry.

 

[Roberto]

Roberto receives his 3D0 sampler

disc, sees the Net at a discount

theater, and pays $400 to get

his car repaired on Saturday.

Sunday turns dull; Roberto mulls

over the fact that his life may

be boring. During the week,

Roberto gets spammed, and makes

plans to pick up a 25" color TV

with his girlfriend. On Friday,

Roberto and Homey rally in

support of Angsto the Clown. The

scene's fairly sparse, but the

two do meet up with Zex and the

kewl chick. Roberto's candy

wrapper collection expands.

 

Don't find these personal screeds

fascinating? Although we find that

difficult to believe, there are other

methods of living your life

vicariously through others in

order to feel a part of some

larger "community," the most

likely candidate being, of

course, the celebrity spectacle

which we so coyly call "the

news." CNN, anyone?




courtesy of Guy Deboredom