A formulaic method to success is

the grail that we're all after -

from sleazy get-rich-quick

schemes to 12-step programs to

kick a habit that's become just

a little too familiar, we can't

get enough of easy, no-brainer

ways to give us maximum returns

for minimal effort - that's what

it's all about, isn't it?

At Suck, we may know better, but

we're not going to quibble with

that which will seemingly bring

us one notch closer to the Big

Media Sellout. You liked last

week's Hit and Run? You told all

your friends that you like to

Suck? You wrote our URL

Sure, the boundaries of the Web

only expand when iconoclastic

types venture into uncharted

territory, but four-figure

fashion? On the net? Color us

Luddite, but most of the

webheads we know would be more

inclined to drop $7K on a T1 -

not a stylin' Armani silk velvet

dress. And net.geeks may not be

known for color coordination,

but animal prints as a white-hot

Fall trend? Somebody pinch me -

I think I'm screaming!

Still, what do we know - the

complex mathematical theory

presented on the ELLE Numerology

page left us quite befuddled.

Perhaps with a bit more

dedicated study, we too could

unravel the economic mysteries

ELLE's fantasy demographic have

already conquered. Until then,

we'll remain low-rent slobs

gawking like fuckin' tourists at

the nobility - just like the

rest of you.

Who calls a 900 Number - And

Why? is a question we Sucksters

have asked ourselves many times.

Maybe to hear some "hot" two on

one "licking action", but, more

likely, to help relieve the

tension after reflecting upon

the use of modern technology and

contemplating its attendant

decay of our collective moral

fiber upon viewing the NYC

Series.

Heaven or Las Vegas? We're told

on the fanboy Cocteau Twins

site, a complement to the band's

entry in the 4AD eyesore

database, that 'virtually all

the lyrics in "Iceblink Luck"

are audible!' So is it "I'm

seeming to be glad a lot; I'm

happy again; Caught, caught in

time" or "You're savin' too big

lend a line/How do you again

come, come in time"? If we count

the "a" and "in", that's, let's

see, four words in common? So

how to decide? May we recommend

the respectable unambiguity of

AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night

Long" - here, here, or here,

the song remains the same.

The best kind of home page is one

that carelessly reveals too much

about its author. Take the

Calvin Klein Porn Source page as

an object lesson. Entire forests

have been felled for the sake of

aggravating the ludicrous

controversy over recent Calvin

Klein magazine and TV ads, but

only on the web can you find

this kind of frank,

well-informed contribution to

the debate. Did we mention that

the bottom gif is actually a

not-so-cleverly concealed bonus

game? (Think Missile Command.)