S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 15 September 1995. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
Why, yes, in fact, I am a model...
 

[Virtual Skyscraper]

Curiously, as we steamroll

full bore into the future, the

highest premium is commanded

not by authenticity but by that

which is most magnificently

phony. The concept of "The Big

Lie" has migrated from the realm

of politics into the media,

where, instead of indicating

pernicious subterfuge, it stands

as the crowning glory of modern

digicinematic achievement.

 

The fruits of this trend are

omnipresent: some of the biggest

stars of the summer movie

blockbusters were, at least in

part, more virtual than actual;

digitally manipulated images in

and on magazines are not just

acceptable, but de rigueur;

courtroom decisions are more and

more predicated on which side is

better able to produce a

compelling simulation of

disputed "events."

 

Meanwhile, one of the creeping

directions in Web publishing is

the possible acceptance of VRML

as a suitable data structuring

environment. If this trend gains

a foothold, the emergence of VR

and 3D modelling as the "killer

app" for the net grows

frighteningly close to becoming

a bloated, oppressive reality.

You think home pages are bad

now? Wait until they're all

designed with crude 3D

primitives: 3D resumes,

proliferation of desk and

standing light models, and an

inexhaustible font of crude

digital wallpaper: yeesh!

 

Ultimately, trying to abate the

sinister influx of ill-conceived

noveltyism is like to trying to

stem a river with a condom, and

we frankly lack the energy.

Instead, we'll offer a few

pointers towards creating your

own special digital future.

 

[Switchblade Knife Model]

 

Most of us will undoubtedly lack

the intelligence or wherewithal

to set up shop in the emerging

cyberwaste, but that's OK. You

could splooge together a few

walls, a ceiling, and a sofa as

your own personal piece of

net-based real estate, but it

would probably be best not to

tax your already-waning

attention span. Keep it simple:

build yourself and travel light,

kind of like a cyberpunk Boxcar

Willie.

 

We recommend shopping at

Viewpoint Datalabs, surely the

Ikea of 3D accessorization. Not

satisfied with the hand dealt to

you by fate in the sweepstakes

of physical reality?

 

[Penis Models]

 

Enhanced by Viewpoint, baby!

 

Still, not all of the net is

about such prurient matters, and

we're hoping that people will

exercise a bit of restraint when

building their avatars. A safe

bet would be to ground your

appearance in reality, creating

something that reflects the

truth of your existence in the

material plane. Everybody's

different in this world, but

we're predicting that a few

universal characteristics will

define tomorrow's netsurfers...

 

First, of all, you'll need

wheels, man! Why not pick

something utilitarian. Something

comfortable enough to provide

transportation, storage

capability, a place to rest, and

offering easy customization?

 

[Shopping Cart Model]

 

That spacey interior will provide

ample room for what are sure to

be some your fondest lifestyle

accouterments...

 

[Pizza Model]

[Beer Model]

 

And last, but not least, a face

for yourself that'll communicate

your identity and evoke your

rich experience and history.

 

[Graduate Model]

 

Congratulations! You're ready for

the (un)real world. Now get

cracking! There's an industry

eager for enterprising young

turks who have the desire to

help colonize this exciting new

medium and who're capable of

visualizing and constructing

complex objects. If you build

it, they will come...

 

[Paper Clip Model]




courtesy of the Duke of URL