Picture this: you're cruising

down the highway in that red

convertible Mazda Miata you just

drove away from the dealership.

Wind in your hair, the scent of

the road in your nostrils, Born

To Be Wild playing in the middle

of an hour-long commercial-free

block on the radio. Forgetting

the payments, you begin to think

that you may not only have

succumbed to the gen-x-focused

advertising for a status-bearing

consumer product, you may be the

advertisement. Life is as good

as it gets.

Then, on the horizon, you see the

inevitable end to any

consumerist fantasy: an "Under

Construction" sign, there to the

left, sealing your fate for the

next 20 miles. As the sounds of

Steppenwolf are drowned out by

the monotonous pounding of

jackhammers, you ask yourself:

Was this trip really necessary?

Welcome to the World Wide Web.

We hope your stay is a

pleasant one.

If you will allow us to extend

the metaphor a little further,

however, this only represents

the tip of the iceberg of a hell

frozen over. Burly, tar-booted

workers flash toothy smiles and

coyly exhibit their sweat-

glistened butt-cracks. The

countryside is done in gaudy

neons and swirly psychedelics,

making the trees and livestock

difficult to discern. Off-ramps

abound, but they all lead back

to the same stretch of

four-lane.

So what is the queer logic which

makes an "Under Construction"

icon on the Web a sign of

quality and a badge of honor? As

if those "Please Be Patient.

God's Not Finished With Me Yet."

T-shirts weren't already enough.

(We could only hope that the

deity would finish these people

off.)

Although we have to give a

reluctant hand to the purveyors

of sites who seem to have

devoted more time to the "Under

Construction" icon than the site

itself, we simply fail to

understand the libidinal economy

which would cause these signs to

multiply unto the furthest

reaches of the Web, without

bounds or limit. It's almost

enough for Suck to sponsor a

contest: Best Under Construction

Icon For A Web Site Which Never

Really Makes It Past The

Conceptual Stage.

Unfortunately, we've already

unearthed the winning entry: our

own inimitable Suck "Under

Construction" Icon, engineered

for maximum elegance and

impact, with your sorry-ass

site in mind.