Drugs.

It don't matter who's in office,

how many cops are on the

streets, or how well-patrolled

the shores of Florida and

borders of Mexico are. Kids love

'em and they're gonna get 'em.

As is well known, those who make

it past the Mickey Mouse blotter

acid and graduate to the college

druggie stage are divided into

two camps:

First and foremost, you've got

your psychonauts: these suckers,

known for their extravagant

home-made bongs, appreciation of

long-winded psychedelic sounds,

and eagerness to enter into

pointless discussions about "the

cosmic singularity of the

universe," are fairly boring.

Whether they're listening to

Terrence McKenna or Captain

Kangaroo, their reaction is one

and the same: whoa!

Less conspicuous, but equal if

not greater in number, are the

toxic overachievers. Beguiled by

dreams of golden GPAs and long

grad-school careers, they pull

their first all-nighter. And

they like it! Amazing how much

you can get done once you've

dealt with that bothersome sleep

habit...

Far more disturbing than the

image of young minds spiraling

towards out-of-control crank

addiction is the fruit of their

wide-eyed efforts: useless term

papers and week-long SimCity

marathons. What these

drug-addled youths need is an

appropriate outlet through which they

may channel their amphetamine

passion.

Enter Vivarin.

Keenly targeting the

"too-much-time-on-their-hands"

demographic, they've announced a

promotional contest for

ephedrine enthusiasts, "There's

No Place Like Home Pages." With

$10,000 as the jackpot, Vivarin

hopes to "alert" students not

only to the pleasure of HTML

mastery, but also to the

conscience-soothing joy of

street-legal speed substitutes.

"College students are often the

first to embrace new

technologies," the promo copy

reads, and the message is

crystal-clear - that

double-barrel hookah is old

news, baby. Pop some pills and

get hacking!