S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 5 September 1995. Updated every WEEKDAY.
WWWF Grudge Match 
 
"O.K., today's big question:  who
 wins  in an old fashioned street
 brawl  between  Gary Coleman and
 Webster?  By street brawl I mean
 a one-on-one street fight  using
 only bare knuckles  and whatever
 weapons can  be  made from items
 found in a typical street alley.
 No  hidden  guns or knives.  One
 pair   of   brass  knuckles  per
 participant is allowed."

[Lector vs. Dahmer]

Celebrity fights are second in

glory only to celebrity deaths,

but neither occur as frequently

as they should in an ideal

world. Luckily, some people have

figured out that the great thing

about made-up characters is the

author's prerogative to kill 'em

off. It's a personal dream of

mine that one day, TV networks

will capitalize on this and more

season-finales will feature mass

slayings of their show's main

characters (Mr. Spelling, are

you listening?)

[Mr. Clean vs. Mr. T]

Still, sometimes settling for

what seems like second-best

actually means choosing the best

of all worlds. You may never

actually get to see Grimace

eviscerating Barbapapa during a

station break, but you just

might get a blow-by-blow from

Brian and Steve, the masterminds

behind WWWF Grudge Match. It's

not your average mind that can

devise contests like the

Hannibal Lector/Jeffrey Dahmer

Bake-off, much less offer pro

sideline coverage with uncommon

stylistic flair.

[Flipper vs. Jaws]

Ample proof that the

preponderance of college kids

with too much time on their

hands on the net may be cause to

keep other net.denizens

awake at night...

[WWWF logo]
courtesy of the Duke of URL