PRACTICAL ALTERNATIVES TO "DATING"

People claim that they go on dates to "have fun," yet most dates are about as fun as laser eye surgery. As long as dating is a miserable waste of time, why not skip dinner and do something that's at least moderately productive?


THE ERRAND DASH

Instead of an awkward, nerve-addling meal, why not run a series of quick errands with your date instead? Think of all that you'll learn about your honey. Does he park in handicap spots, drum his fingers at the dry cleaner, take 20 items to the 10-Items-Or-Less line at the grocery store, and condescend to the cashier at Burger Doodle? Or, does he park efficiently, communicate diplomatically, and request no onions politely, all without complaint? Ah, who cares, the real question is, does your heart skip a beat when you see him walking toward you with your dry cleaning, groceries, and a double cheeseburger? And did he remember to ask for extra ketchups?





THE BRANCH DAVIDIAN

How does your date respond to the extra long line at the local bank branch — does she remain calm, or break out the firearms? Does she have a basic grasp of investment strategies, or does she think the ATM is manned by little monkeys? Is she there to make a deposit into her money market account (thrifty!) or is she trying to clear up some nonsense about a charge on a bounced check (uh oh)? Most importantly, just how much inherited money does she have in that fund, anyway?





THE LAUNDRY MATE

Nothing tells you more about a man than the way he handles his laundry. Does he have a plastic laundry basket (a wee bit anal retentive, no?), a wicker basket (gay?), or a drawstring canvas laundry bag (manly!)? Can he operate the coin machine without incident? Does he separate whites from colors, and if not, is he really mature enough for a long-term relationship? Does he separate whites from brights? Does he separate whites from grays from brights from darks from reds from greens, and if so, is he gay? Does he use hot water and bleach on his whites, and if so, what's making him feel so dirty? Does he use a fabric softener, and if so, is he gay? Does his folding style seem particular to the point of being senselessly anal? Does he fold at all, or shove everything back in his laundry bag and call it a day? There's so much information available here — too much, really.









  
  
  
  
  
  

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