Burn Baby Burn
Bell Labs, formerly AT&T Bell
Labs and now under the umbrella
of the $21 billion Lucent
Technologies, has announced
Inferno, software they hope will
soon be everywhere. It can run
on a wide variety of platforms,
from remote controls up to
workstations and servers. It
offers operating system
called Limbo, a virtual machine
termed Dis, and, to make the
marketer's product naming
nightmare complete, a network
protocol called, affectionately
Five years ago today in Suck.
THE VIRTUAL CUSTOMER SERVICE REP!
The Virtual Customer Service Rep is perfect for those companies that don't
have the resources to hire and train a team of real humans to handle those
pesky customer inquiries!
The Virtual Customer Service Rep responds to each customer comment or
question with that caring voice that lets the customer know that he's being
heard, that he matters, and most importantly that the future of the
company lies in his hands alone!
Voice- and mood-activated, The Virtual Customer Service Rep has four
settings Empathetic, Full of Useful Information, Full of Childlike
Wonderment, and Full of Shit.
- "I can understand how you'd be frustrated."
- "You sound very upset."
- "No problem. Just let me know when you've stopped crying and tearing your
hair out, and we'll continue."
Full of Useful Information
- "Well, our Cleveland office is so backwards. You wouldn't believe what a
mess that place is!"
- "Oh! Our system just went down. What a day I'm having!"
- "California! Is it raining there? It's raining here. It's been raining all
week. The weatherman keeps saying we're in for sun, but he's been wrong day
after day, and I keep forgetting my umbrella!"
- "Oh! Your account information just disappeared. At least it's Friday, know
what I mean?!!"
Full of Childlike Wonderment
- "Your name isn't coming up. I wonder what's going on!"
- "That's strange. I wonder why they're not picking up in that department.
Maybe there was a bomb threat!"
- "I wonder why it's taken so long to process your order. It almost never
takes so long. I wonder why you should have to suffer more than most people.
I wonder why God hates you so much!"
Full of Shit
- "You canceled the order. It says so right here."
- "Actually, you're SPEAKING to the owner of the company. I'M the owner of
the company. I'm very rich."
- "Someone's going to call you back within the hour."
- "Everything's taken care of."