Fond recollections of
The day we discovered you can
never win a game of three-card
monte. The day we realized that
Santa was less demigod than
desperate creation of the
Coca-Cola corporation. The day
we were told that our young SWF
AOL paramour was really a
grossly overweight, middle-aged
database consultant named
Five years ago today in Suck.
THE VIRTUAL THERAPIST
The Virtual Therapist is the perfect solution for those who want to
rationalize their basest desires and their most undisciplined moments
without the staggering expense and awkward silences common to interacting
with a real therapist.
The Virtual Therapist responds to each comment or statement with supportive,
comforting words and pure, unadulterated empathy. And unlike real
therapists, who can be taken to court where they might reveal embarrassing
or litigable details about your life, The Virtual Therapist keeps your
secrets 100% safe!
Just switch among The Virtual Therapist's three settings, depending on your
needs for the day: Guilt-Reducing, Touchy-Feely, and Easy Advice.
- "I can completely understand why you did that. I would've done the same
- "We ALL lose our tempers and break things occasionally. Don't waste
another second thinking about it."
- "So you had a dozen or so drinks. Sounds like you really needed to get
fall-down drunk, you know?"
- "Violence is sometimes warranted, don't you think?"
- "You poor, poor, poor thing. You poor little baby!"
- "Wow. I bet that really triggered your issues. "
- "Anyone who doesn't completely understand and accept you isn't worth a
minute of your precious time."
- "I think you should ask yourself what YOU want, and then do exactly that."
- "I wouldn't change a thing. What's easiest is usually best."
- "Have you tried just hanging up on her, then taking your phone off the
- "Ok, here's the plan. When you get home, I want you to order a pizza, then
pour yourself a few shots of Tequila, and I want you to put on that porn
tape you told me about Blondes Who Like to Suck Cock? Was that it?"