Information Underload Fond recollections of loss-of-innocence experiences... The day we discovered you can never win a game of three-card monte. The day we realized that Santa was less demigod than desperate creation of the Coca-Cola corporation. The day we were told that our young SWF AOL paramour was really a grossly overweight, middle-aged database consultant named Harold. Five years ago today in Suck.

THE VIRTUAL TRAINER!

The Virtual Trainer is perfect for those who need a chiseled authority figure to motivate them to put down the cookies and whip that flabby ass into shape. It's also great for those who want to simulate the feeling of getting a good workout without actually having to move.

The Virtual Trainer responds to each groan or grunt with encouragement and helpful suggestions that remind you that you're in control of your own destiny! That's right! A Virtual Trainer can singlehandedly restore your confidence in your body, even if you've got miles of pale, dimpled flesh that hasn't seen the light of day since Carter was in office!

The Virtual Trainer has three settings: Military/Sexual, Inspirational, and Kiss-Ass!

Military/Sexual

• "I don't wanna hear your excuses, I just want to see you sweat like a pig!"
• "Harder, soldier! You gonna learn to love that pain, but you gotta trust me to take you there!"
• "Mmm, that's right! That burns, don't it? Feel that burn, baby!"

Inspirational

• "This is the part of the workout where you gotta reach down deep inside you and find what you believe in."
• "Take your time. Pace yourself."
• "You can do this! If you believe in yourself, you gonna get everything you ever dreamed of!"

Kiss-Ass

• "Wow, look at those abs. You a brick house, baby!"
• "I ain't seen gluts like that since I costarred with Roddy Piper in Back In Action."

Just think of how high-rent you'll look at the gym, with your Virtual Trainer coaxing you through your entire workout!

Next...No fair! I have to work hard!