Fond recollections of
The day we discovered you can
never win a game of three-card
monte. The day we realized that
Santa was less demigod than
desperate creation of the
Coca-Cola corporation. The day
we were told that our young SWF
AOL paramour was really a
grossly overweight, middle-aged
database consultant named
Five years ago today in Suck.
THE VIRTUAL TRAINER!
The Virtual Trainer is perfect for those who need a chiseled authority
figure to motivate them to put down the cookies and whip that flabby ass
into shape. It's also great for those who want to simulate the feeling of
getting a good workout without actually having to move.
The Virtual Trainer responds to each groan or grunt with encouragement and
helpful suggestions that remind you that you're in control of your own
destiny! That's right! A Virtual Trainer can singlehandedly restore your
confidence in your body, even if you've got miles of pale, dimpled flesh
that hasn't seen the light of day since Carter was in office!
The Virtual Trainer has three settings: Military/Sexual, Inspirational, and
- "I don't wanna hear your excuses, I just want to see you sweat like a
- "Harder, soldier! You gonna learn to love that pain, but you gotta trust
me to take you there!"
- "Mmm, that's right! That burns, don't it? Feel that burn, baby!"
- "This is the part of the workout where you gotta reach down deep inside
you and find what you believe in."
- "Take your time. Pace yourself."
- "You can do this! If you believe in yourself, you gonna get everything you
ever dreamed of!"
- "Wow, look at those abs. You a brick house, baby!"
- "I ain't seen gluts like that since I costarred with Roddy Piper in Back
Just think of how high-rent you'll look at the gym, with your Virtual
Trainer coaxing you through your entire workout!