Fond recollections of
The day we discovered you can
never win a game of three-card
monte. The day we realized that
Santa was less demigod than
desperate creation of the
Coca-Cola corporation. The day
we were told that our young SWF
AOL paramour was really a
grossly overweight, middle-aged
database consultant named
Five years ago today in Suck.
THE VIRTUAL AGENT
The Virtual Agent is perfect for those who feel discouraged about their
careers, or who just don't know where to turn to get some quick smoke blown
up their asses!
The Virtual Agent responds to each comment or question with hearty,
confident assertions that let you know that you're special, that you're
extremely talented, and most importantly that you're about to make big
truckloads of cash.
Voice- and mood-activated, The Virtual Agent has three settings that are
custom-fitted to your psychological state:
- "Check you out! You da man! You rule!"
- "What you've got is natural talent. And you know what happens to natural
talent? It grows!"
- "Sure, you're great looking and skilled. But you're also the smartest
person I know, hands down."
- "You're gonna do well in this business. There's no doubt in my mind."
- "I feel good about this. I'm serious. This one's a sure bet."
- "This is the year you break wide, man! You're gonna be bigger than Elvis!"
- "There's a lot of buzz around you right now."
- "It's your day in the sun, kid. Smile and enjoy the attention."
- "I ran into Pacino on the way in. He wanted to know what I had to pull to
land you as my client."
And, when you really need a boost, just call your Virtual Agent from your
cell phone from a crowded cafe! Just press star 76 and your Virtual Agent
will be singing your praises loud enough for everyone in the place to hear!