Information Underload Fond recollections of loss-of-innocence experiences... The day we discovered you can never win a game of three-card monte. The day we realized that Santa was less demigod than desperate creation of the Coca-Cola corporation. The day we were told that our young SWF AOL paramour was really a grossly overweight, middle-aged database consultant named Harold. Five years ago today in Suck.

THE VIRTUAL AGENT

The Virtual Agent is perfect for those who feel discouraged about their careers, or who just don't know where to turn to get some quick smoke blown up their asses!

The Virtual Agent responds to each comment or question with hearty, confident assertions that let you know that you're special, that you're extremely talented, and — most importantly — that you're about to make big truckloads of cash.

Voice- and mood-activated, The Virtual Agent has three settings that are custom-fitted to your psychological state:

Reassuring

• "Check you out! You da man! You rule!"
• "What you've got is natural talent. And you know what happens to natural talent? It grows!"
• "Sure, you're great looking and skilled. But you're also the smartest person I know, hands down."

Prophetic

• "You're gonna do well in this business. There's no doubt in my mind."
• "I feel good about this. I'm serious. This one's a sure bet."
• "This is the year you break wide, man! You're gonna be bigger than Elvis!"

Hallucinating

• "There's a lot of buzz around you right now."
• "It's your day in the sun, kid. Smile and enjoy the attention."
• "I ran into Pacino on the way in. He wanted to know what I had to pull to land you as my client."

And, when you really need a boost, just call your Virtual Agent from your cell phone from a crowded cafe! Just press star 76 and your Virtual Agent will be singing your praises loud enough for everyone in the place to hear!

Next...And heavy equipment!