When Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem the most fully realized and controversial Whigger since
Millard Fillmore snagged a fistful of Grammys, both the rapper and the
National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences (which distributes the awards) came in
for more shame and self-inflicted abuse than audience members at an Insane Clown Posse concert.
Right-wing conservatives and members of Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation
found common cause in trashing both NARAS (for allowing Eminem even to be
considered for Grammys) and the rapper himself for being whatever he says he is.
Indeed, GLAAD took their denunciation a step further, attacking Sir Elton John, the
recipient last year of a GLAAD award for promoting "the visibility and understanding" of
gay life, for performing with Eminem at the Grammys. GLAAD excoriated the former Mr.
Reginald Dwight for sharing "a stage with Eminem, whose words and actions promote hate
and violence against gays and lesbians."
Such outrage is as predictable as it is misplaced. It's not Eminem's critics who should be
worried about the Grammy nominations. It's his fans. Indeed, such official acceptance
brings Eminem one step closer to what sociologists at the School of Hard Knocks have
identified as the Elvisification of the Cultural Rebel.
Put simply, the Grammys not to mention a post-duet hug by a titled member of the British
aristocracy are the first step in the domestication of Eminem, of his certain
transmogrification from hate-filled, anxiety-inducing bad boy to lovable, 100 percent safe
pop dreamboat. The distance between a song like "Kill You" (in which the rapper
graphically depicts the rape of his mother) and a "More You Know..." public service
announcement is shorter than Eminem's hair.
As our own public service (and in partial satisfaction of our court-ordered probation),
Suck herewith imagines multiple future career paths for Marshall Mathers as he inevitably
becomes closer in spirit and style to Jerry Mathers.