"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 23 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

When Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem — the most fully realized and controversial Whigger since Millard Fillmore — snagged a fistful of Grammys, both the rapper and the National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences (which distributes the awards) came in for more shame and self-inflicted abuse than audience members at an Insane Clown Posse concert.

Right-wing conservatives and members of Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation found common cause in trashing both NARAS (for allowing Eminem even to be considered for Grammys) and the rapper himself for being whatever he says he is.

Indeed, GLAAD took their denunciation a step further, attacking Sir Elton John, the recipient last year of a GLAAD award for promoting "the visibility and understanding" of gay life, for performing with Eminem at the Grammys. GLAAD excoriated the former Mr. Reginald Dwight for sharing "a stage with Eminem, whose words and actions promote hate and violence against gays and lesbians."

Such outrage is as predictable as it is misplaced. It's not Eminem's critics who should be worried about the Grammy nominations. It's his fans. Indeed, such official acceptance brings Eminem one step closer to what sociologists at the School of Hard Knocks have identified as the Elvisification of the Cultural Rebel.

Put simply, the Grammys — not to mention a post-duet hug by a titled member of the British aristocracy — are the first step in the domestication of Eminem, of his certain transmogrification from hate-filled, anxiety-inducing bad boy to lovable, 100 percent safe pop dreamboat. The distance between a song like "Kill You" (in which the rapper graphically depicts the rape of his mother) and a "More You Know..." public service announcement is shorter than Eminem's hair.

As our own public service (and in partial satisfaction of our court-ordered probation), Suck herewith imagines multiple future career paths for Marshall Mathers as he inevitably becomes closer in spirit and style to Jerry Mathers.