LITTLE MISS HALF-EMPTY
Needs: To appreciate what little she does have and shut the fuck up about everything else
Mainly Concentrating On: How unfair it is that some people can just sit around and write poetry or whatever because they have these huge trust funds and they can live off the interest and they never have to scrap and struggle unattractively like she does
Benefits: Dating her is kind of like having Janeane Garofalo around all the time.
Drawbacks: Having Janeane Garofalo around all the time is kind of like beating yourself about the face and neck with a croquet mallet.
Fun: Like an attack dog, she's ready to sink her teeth into anyone who crosses you.
Not-So-Fun: Most attack dogs turn on their owners eventually.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Tried out for cheerleading in 8th grade and attempted suicide when she didn't make it.
With Her, You'll Be: As exhausted and ornery as someone who just sat through a 9-hour taping of a painfully horrible sitcom
Needs: A few hard slaps in the face, accompanied by shouts of "Snap out of it! Snap out of it!" just like in the old movies
Mainly Concentrating On: Memorizing what you just said so she can use it to back up her running story of what an asshole you are
Benefits: When you first meet her, she's friendly, easy-going, and comfortable, sort of like a '62 Chevy Bel Air.
Drawbacks: Eventually, she turns out to be cheap, jolting, and unreliable, sort of like a Le Car.
Fun: She loves to drink scotch, and hear live rock bands!
Not-So-Fun: Finding her long-distance phone bills to some guitarist in Canoga Park.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: She was married twice before, but both times were huge mistakes, and she'd really rather not talk about them.
With Her, You'll Be: Happy, then suicidal