THE PRINCESS

Wants: For you to stop being such a terrible boyfriend and to give her a sign that you really care and you're ready to make a lifelong commitment to her

Needs: To ask herself whether she's ready to make a lifelong commitment to you, given the fact that you don't seem to care

Mainly Concentrating On: How to find some way to punish you for your total lack of interest in her that doesn't include actually having to break up with you

Benefits: At least you don't have to worry about her getting the wrong impression. At least she can tell that you're not that into her.

Drawbacks: You're not that into her.

Fun: The we-almost-broke-up sex!

Not-So-Fun: Actually having to spend time with her again after that

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She read "The Rules" five times, but she doesn't have the will power to follow a single one.

With Her, You'll Be: A terrible boyfriend

THE CONTROL SUPERFREAK

Wants: A man who's mature enough to be able to adjust to her admittedly particular but not excessively exacting needs in life

Needs: A man who's rich enough to hire her a staff of ten to order around, and a psychiatrist who can prescribe her a steady diet of Valium

Mainly Concentrating On: When there'll be a long enough break in the conversation to slip a coaster under your beer and maybe spray some Pledge on that coffee table, since it's looking a little dusty

Benefits: Sure, she runs a tight ship, but she'll get your life into ship shape!

Drawbacks: You'll spend the rest of your days peeling potatoes and swabbing the deck.

Fun: She loves the way you've organized your t-shirt drawer!

Not-So-Fun: She hates the way you breathe out of your mouth when you're playing Scrabble.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once had a nervous breakdown after reading a particularly ambitious issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine.

With Her, You'll Be: Seething, and sloppier than ever

Next... Long-distance runaround!