Wants: Another dramatic series with the raw kinetic energy and chewy dialogue of "NYPD Blue"

Needs: To lose his 55-channel access in a local cable snafu

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not Angie Harmon's character will accept the defense attorney's offer of manslaughter 2, when it's clear the guy deserves life but Angie really doesn't have a case now that the surveillance tapes have been thrown out

Benefits: Stays put; never insists on going to some dull party across town when it's raining and you'd rather sit on the couch and eat Ring-Dings

Drawbacks: Stays put; doesn't even have an invitation to that party across town

Fun: Sings along entertainingly with the Law & Order theme song ("It's a bummer, dude! Sam Waterson's gonna get you!")

Not-So-Fun: When you tell him how you used to sing along with the Bonanza theme song ("Come to the come to the come to the come to the Bo-nan-za! Come to the come to the come to the come to the come to the Bonanza, all day!") he laughs a little but then he hisses at you to shut up because the commercial break is over

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once watched six episodes of Law & Order in a row during one of those F/X "Law & Order Marathon Weekend" things that your sane friends don't even know exist.

With Him, You'll Be: Fat, bored, and fully cognizant of the intricacies of the American judicial system


Wants: To destroy the addictions and the cravings that perpetuate the manifesting of constructed realities, all of which are impermanent and ill

Needs: A few shots of tequila and a blow job

Mainly Concentrating On: How you wear your state of delusion like a costume with multiple fabricated viewpoints in a self-perpetuating state of self-ignorance

Benefits: Speaks in whimsical word poems, each with its own little lesson!

Drawbacks: Speaks in whimsical word poems, each with its own little lesson!

Fun: Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that each individual is responsible for his or her own emancipation from anguish and suffering.

Not-So-Fun: Sometimes you feel clear that the best way for you to emancipate yourself from anguish and suffering is by getting the hell away from this guy.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He's got a drawer full of pants that seem to indicate that MC Hammer recently had a yard sale.

With Him, You'll Be: Full of frivolous speech, evil thoughts, and ill cravings


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