THE LIGHTWEIGHT

Wants: Someone fun who won't expect him to discuss emotional shit all the time

Needs: Someone fun who won't expect him to discuss emotional shit all the time

Mainly Concentrating On: Trying to get you off the subject of how you're in a bad mood — how maybe it has to do with your friend's recent, obviously quite insidious request that you drive her to the airport — by pointing out that there's a new Taco Bell on this street

Drawbacks: They say you can only be excited about someone's looks for so long.

Benefits: They're wrong.

Fun: He looks even better when you smoke pot together!

Not-So-Fun: When you get really high and start singing along with "Jesus Must Die" from Jesus Christ Superstar, he looks at you like you've got something big stuck between your teeth.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He can't read a map.

With Him, You'll Be: Insecure that you're much uglier than him, and increasingly suspicious that you're going crazy (You're right on both counts.)

THE OVERANALYZER

Wants: To reiterate his point that it's important to structure your communications in such a way that you make your intentions clear without activating other people's issues inadvertently if, in fact, your intention is not to step on other people's — namely his — toes all the time

Needs: To stop being such a fucking pussy

Mainly Concentrating On: The fact that your issues constitute a defensive need, in other words, a need, triggered in the present, that carries the emotional weight of a past relationship, usually with a parent, and therefore can't be filled and really has nothing to do with him, whereas his issues constitute a legitimate request for support and love within the context of an intimate relationship.

Benefits: Being with him is like having a therapist around 24 hours a day.

Drawbacks: Having a therapist around 24 hours a day is like being ruthlessly interrogated by an FBI agent who looks and sounds like Mr. Rogers.

Fun: Didn't you daydream about a guy like this, back when you were dating "The Lightweight"? Anyway, didn't you always want to live in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood?

Not-So-Fun: If he shows up at your door in a cardigan one more time, it's over.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Sometimes he exaggerates his father's occasional drinking just to generate sympathy.

With Him, You'll Be: More dysfunctional than ever

Next... It's a bummer, dude!