MR. DOUBLE STANDARD

Wants: Someone who'll put up with his bad moods but who never has a bad mood herself, who'll be fun and upbeat and put on a French maid's uniform, but won't always expect him to be fun and upbeat or indulge her weird fantasies

Needs: Only the good Lord knows.

Mainly Concentrating On: How maybe your ass is a little on the flabby side of what he likes to see on a woman... No, he's hasn't worked out in months. What's that got to do with it?

Benefits: So fun and charming!

Drawbacks: Not nearly charming enough to hide the fact that he's oversensitive yet insensitive, egotistical yet massively insecure, distrustful yet untrustworthy, and he snores.

Fun: Unlike flinchier types, he truly believes that the love of a good woman is going to turn his life around and make him happy!

Not-So-Fun: When you don't manage to turn his life around and make him happy, guess who's fault it'll be?

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He wears tighty whities.

With Him, You'll Be: About as happy as one of those female contestants on "Temptation Island"

MELLOW BOY

Wants: The simple life: good food, the great outdoors, and a down-to-earth woman

Needs: A serious trauma that will snap him out of that hippy-boy stupor

Mainly Concentrating On: How to explain the magnitude of what he learned about his natural leadership skills by doing an Outward Bound ropes course

Benefits: He has loads of exciting adventure stories involving ice climbing, mountain-biking, and bad acid trips at Dead shows!

Drawbacks: His stories are so predictable and tedious that you'll start to wish that the blizzard did move in, the rope did snap in half, and the VW bus did mow down that crowd of bystanders standing in line for Phish tickets.

Fun: One time, he did a 2-day climb, which meant he had to sleep on a hammock suspended 3000 feet in the air! The experience totally taught him soooo much about himself!

Not-So-Fun: Apparently it didn't teach him how bone-crushingly dull he is.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once got fined $50 for camping on a bed of endangered prairie grass outside of Yellowstone National Park.

With Him, You'll Be: Incredibly bored and manic, to the point of saying things like, "If you're anti-fur, why are you wearing a Patagonia made of Grover fur? How many Grovers have to die before you see the error of your ways?"

Next...30% lighter than regular cheese.