When you're unemployed, people get so critical and doubting all of a sudden. They're all "Maybe you should get off the couch and look for a job." Or they're all, "Where's the rent, asshole?" Or they're all, "Look, you lazy piece of shit, you have got to get a job, I don't care how depressed you are!" As if that helps.

Don't you pay any attention to those whiny panty-waists. The truth is, there's ALWAYS some way out of the unemployment bind that doesn't actually require you to look for a job in any real, concerted way.

In fact, there are 6 ways to do this, 3 of which you probably haven't even tried yet.


Go crazy sending out 200 resumés, each with a carefully crafted cover letter addressed "To Whom It May Concern." Collapse on couch, exhausted, and put entire matter out of your mind for weeks. Then, begin to wonder outloud why no one has called and offered you a job yet. Become depressed. Have a nervous breakdown. Consider life of petty crime. Alternative version: Read Want Ads for 6 months straight but do nothing.

Benefits: Very dramatic. No one can say you never tried.

Drawbacks: Nervous breakdowns often lead to disappointment, destitution, and bad skin.


Fall madly in love with someone, conveniently, just as job search should be heating up. Try to determine how much money The Love of Your Life has in his bank account, so as to weigh costs and benefits of a hasty engagement. Also, try to suss out whether or not your Honey Pumpkin would be willing to support you through, say, 10-15 years of graduate work in, um, cooking or maybe, uh, design school, one where you mostly make collages from stuff you cut out of magazines.

Benefits: Won't you look cute driving to your volunteer job in a brand new silver Jaguar?

Drawbacks: It'll be tough to leave him once you've developed a taste for luxury spa vacations and $2000 suits.


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