LOVE AND MARRIAGE
1. When I think about my wedding day, all that comes to mind is...
a. All that cool shit we signed up for at Williams-Sonoma.
b. Me, looking really fucking good in white, as all my friends and relatives and enemies look on, feeling very, very jealous.
c. Champagne. Plenty of nourishing bubbly. Mmm.
d. Pretty photographs, taken by that really cute photographer we hired. I hope he doesn't look that good at the wedding, it might be distracting.
2. When I picture being married, I picture...
a. Putting all our stuff into one house. How fun!
b. Putting all my stuff into our house, and all his stuff into storage. If he tries to put that La-Z-Boy in the livingroom, we're through.
c. Having little kids underfoot, acting adorable and fetching me drinks and staying out of the way and never pooping.
d. Eating all the tasty meals my spouse is going to cook, once she takes that cooking class I signed her up for.
e. An endless stream of days spent with the same person. Day in, day out, same fucking thing. I wonder if I have that photographer's number handy...
3. I wasn't sure I wanted to get married, but then...
a. I found someone who looks really good with my furniture.
b. I found someone who, for some reason, hasn't noticed yet what a wretched fuckhead I am.
c. I lost my job and it was so nice to be unemployed, I suddenly thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I could stay unemployed forever? Now, how could I do that?"
d. God told me he'd smite me if I didn't stop being such a dirty slut, so I settled down. But now God says he'll smite me if I don't stop eating potato chips in bed, so I'm thinking maybe God will never be happy, maybe he doesn't really, truly want to be happy, maybe he'd rather be disappointed and angry all the time. So I'm going to keep eating potato chips in bed, and I might go back to being a dirty slut, too.
4. These days you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a couple of newlyweds.
a. Isn't it wonderful?
c. So, when you hit them with the dead cat, you kill them, right?
1. c, 2. b, 3. c, 4. b