If the Zodiac were a can of mixed nuts, you'd be a walnut. Knowing you, you probably think that's a compliment. But this year, more and more people are going to put you back in the bowl, in search of something a little lighter and more delectable, like a cashew or a pistachio. Your best hope is to imitate some of the more desirable qualities of those around you — you know, pretend to be calm, or forgiving, when you're really a relentless control freak. Act like an almond. Sure, you won't be true to yourself, but that's a necessary evil, if you're going to have any friends.

This year, you're really going to need a plan of action to set your personal and professional goals within striking distance. Sadly, having a plan of action is as foreign to you as a pocket full of cash and socks that don't stink. Sure, you think you can get by on charm for one more year. You're the LION, for Christsakes! The King of the goddamn forest! Well, this year you've got some king-sized dingleberries stuck to your ass. At least you've got your pride, right?

You don't like your girlfriend, why don't you face it? She's an Aquarius, for fuck's sake! Ok, maybe she's a Leo, I can't remember. Either way, you're incompatible, it's time to move on. She's irritating as hell, she talks incessantly, and she never changes the cat litter. What about that time you were watching a VH1 Behind The Music on Milli Vanilli and she insisted on switching over to a Will & Grace rerun? What the fuck was that about? And do you really like it when she calls you Shnoodles? That's what I thought. Time to get off the bus, Gus. Unless of course you want to seethe silently for the next 30 years. I wouldn't put it past you.

This is the year your boundless optimism runs out. Suddenly you realize that writing a screenplay isn't as easy as it sounds, stocks do sometimes depreciate in value, relationships aren't a walk in the park, and renting a cabin in the woods doesn't mean you'll know how to oil paint when you get there. All those years you wondered about pessimists: "How do they survive, with such bad luck and such shitty attitudes?" This year you'll find out first hand.

No one likes you. Oh, sure, you think people like you, but you're wrong. Think about it: How would you know if no one liked you? Would someone tell you? How do people treat Darth Vader? They're really fucking nice to him. The truth is, if people didn't like you, they'd probably be really nice to you, but then they'd end up canceling plans with you a lot. And people do cancel plans with you a lot, don't they? I thought so. Maybe you should try to make a lot of money or put a trampoline in your backyard so people have another reason to hang out with you. Or you could always start work on that Death Star.

Oh, you're just so special, aren't you? You looove books and travel, you're sooooo full of adventurous spirit! But I haven't seen you with a book in your hand in ages. And when was the last time you took a trip? Let's face it. Once you were a warrior, now you're dried up and frankly, pretty creepy. This is a good year for you to get into really good shape, take care of your financial situation, find a nice place, and start making some friends that'll be yours for life. But then again, last year was also a good year for these things, and fat lot of good it did you. Regardless of what you accomplish, you'll keep pretending you're a real renegade. As Dale, my coworker at Gorin's Ice Cream, used to say, "Some people are so fulla shit you can smell it on they breath through the telephone!"

Wait a minute. What's a pragmatist like you doing here? Come on. Do you really like it when she gets you to read your horoscope, or are you just appalled that she believes in this horseshit? Let's face it, there are two kinds of people in the world: The kind who believe there are 12 kinds of people in the world, and the kind who don't. So who is this freak?

She's the best thing that's ever happened to you, that's who. Remember, every couple needs two kinds of people in it: one to buy the chocolate body frosting, and one to find the receipt for the chocolate body frosting when it's time to do your taxes. Unfortunately for you, you're the latter. But that doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to spending your life with someone just as dreary and lame as you are. But knowing you, you probably will anyway.


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