Want to know what the year has in store for you? Well, we took a real good look at the sky, and the planets' positions from where we are here on Earth (at the center of the universe) told us all about the year ahead. Galileo be damned!

You don't like your boyfriend, just face it. He's a Virgo, for fuck's sake! Ok, maybe he's a Scorpio. Either way, it's time to move on. He's uptight, passionless, and rude, and he's always on your back about changing the cat litter. What about that time he was watching a VH1 Behind The Music on Milli Vanilli, and you wanted to watch this really good Will & Grace, and he threw a hissy fit? Could he be more of a pussy? Time to dump the clod. Unless of course you want to seethe silently for the next 30 years. I wouldn't put it past you.

You're incredibly creative, right? That's what everyone says, right? So, what did you create last year? Hmm. That's it, huh? How about the year before that? Huh? Do you realize it's 2001 already? We're living in the distant future, here. Imagine if everyone were wearing silver space suits. Wouldn't you feel sort of dumb, given how little you've accomplished? I mean, it's the future! You haven't amounted to shit! Imagine if the sidewalks were conveyer belts. That would make you feel kind of lame, wouldn't it? To STILL have nothing to show for all that talk of how "creative" you are? Newsflash: Creative people create. You know why the sidewalks aren't conveyer belts yet? Because of underachievers like you.

2001 will be a year of rapid change for you. One minute you're in love, the next minute you're taking out a restraining order against him. One minute you've quit smoking, the next minute you're searching for butts in your car's ashtray. One minute you're sentimental, the next minute you're scratching the family name off the silver so you can pawn it for a better price. But there's a lesson in all of this craziness: You're crazy. Sadly, there's not much you can do about that, this year or any other.

This is the year that your love of stability comes back to bite you on the ass. Go look in the mirror. See how old you look? And you feel old, too, don't you? That's because you're trapped, man! But luckily, you have a choice. You can either stay where you are and slowly but surely decompose behind the walls of your self-made prison, or you can fly to Vegas and blow that nest egg on designer narcotics and high-priced whores, spending your short balance of days wandering the dusty streets in search of charity and half-heartedly nibbling on $1.99 Steak 'n' Eggs Cowboy Breakfasts. Mmm, steak 'n' eggs. Is there really any choice? Pack yer bags!

Some people might describe you as imaginative, exciting, complex. Those people have been smoking heroin. Some of your friends say you're original, fascinating, intuitive, entertaining, adorable. That's why you hang out with dope addicts. You're an irresponsible, moody, dissatisfied slut and you know it. This year, you're going to get a lot more love and affection than you deserve, and you're going to make way more money than you deserve, and you're still going to be complaining or drinking too much or scribbling little doodles on a phone pad the whole time. And a lot of people are going to be really annoyed and angered by you, but most of all they're going to be very, very jealous. Ha-ha! Burrrn!


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