"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 26 December 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

As if the weeklong Christmas-New Year doldrums weren't enough to boost the national suicide rate, this year's holiday season overlaps with the deadliest bloodbath since 1984's Silent Night, Deadly Night (a.k.a. Slayride). With the New Economy in a state of rigor mortis so severe even the vultures are staying away, the people on your Christmas list are in no mood for heartwarming holiday greetings.

Instead, send your pal a message that fits the occasion, a note of sympathy. For that digital hack who just got the boot with nothing but a handshake and a "Salon" entry on the ol' resumé? Give a kindly word to show that person you still care! That lucky stiff who got to ride Priceline all the way to a dollar and a quarter? Be a friend through thick and thin! That South Park chum who just couldn't swing you an invitation to the $16 million Pixelon party? Show there's no hard feelings with a meaningful "There there." That poor sap who actually believed spikey-haired bazillionaire Brian Grazer and baldheaded wonderworker Ron Howard were serious about online content? Hey, saps need love too!

Just print 'em out and put 'em in an envelope! We would have made these genuine e-greeting cards, but if you're like us, most of your friends lost their internet access when they got laid off.

Next: New hope for the dead...

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