"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 22 December 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Of all the many indignities foisted on an innocent public in 2000, the worst may have been Y2K's failure to generate a senses-shattering shitstorm worthy of a Stan Lee Soapbox. Those stupid fucking Olympics Down Under boasted less drama than when the Facts of Life girls toured Oz back in the eighties. That godawful Subway Series held fewer twists and turns than a typical chips-and-soda run by former Met and Yankee Darryl Strawberry, and the implosion of Priceline.com merely means that the Shat will have to go back to eating Promise margarine rather than butter.

But in a year overstuffed with disappointments, the Presidential election was the unkindest cut of all. After weeks of ballyhoo and hype, the crisis ended with a whimpering anti-climax every bit as unsatisfying as Evel Knievel's pants-soiling personal Vietnam over Snake River Canyon, Bobby Ewing's reappearance in a shower stall on Dallas, and Geraldo Rivera's busting into Al Capone's secret safe. After all the yammering about Dennis Hastert and Strom Thurmond playing catch with the nuclear football come January, there was, alas, no Constitutional crisis.

Instead, all we're left with is a television crisis. After more than a month of excruciatingly tedious political drama that invoked pity, fear, and viewer cringes on an almost hourly basis, what are we going to watch — especially since the only new TV show that routinely inspired those same emotions, the Michael Richards Show, has already been canceled? What will arise, O.J.-like, to become our next national soap opera and provide background noise as we slenderize the evenings away?

Next... Electoral After M*A*S*H...

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