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Hard landing, soft landing — who cares? It's time for football. With the
strange and costly NFL season collapsing into obscure questions
about reforming the
fumble/safety rule
and whether the Redskins might be better off convincing
Al Gore to stay in D.C. and
jump in at
cornerback, we're debating plunking down a few sawbucks on
Vince McMahon's XFL
come February. The attraction sure isn't McMahon's bogus promises
to keep it street, or the prospect of seeing former Heisman winners humiliated
for our enjoyment, or even the possibility of betting on games that really are
fixed. No the XFL's real score is with its team names. No family-friendly
Panthers or Jaguars here, no gate polls that leave the choice of franchise monikers
in the hands of 12-year-olds. The XFL gets to the coin toss with some of
the best sporting nomenclature in recent decades: "The Chicago Enforcers," "The New Jersey Hitmen," "The Memphis Maniax," "The Orlando Rage." These may not
be real places, but they're pretty great names. Even more intriguing is the
list of team names that didn't quite make the cut, which we obtained while searching
for steroid caps in the dumpsters outside WWF HQ in Stamford, Conn.
Finally, our thirst for physical fitness and unbridled
sloth can be quenched by the same drink.
Minnesota-based Gluek Brewing Company recently
announced the creation of
Hard E, an alcoholic energy
drink. Company officials hope the drink will catch on
with twenty-somethings looking to enjoy the
buzz of a fine malt liquor without the mushmouthed grogginess that
usually comes with it. The drink should provide great
convenience for those who already achieve the same
effect by mixing uppers and downers with Elvis-like
precision. Now if they could just invent
crack that didn't make us want to blow our dealer for
$20.
E-commerce just got a new lease on life. Rona Barrett, the legendary
multimedia journalist who showed that in this business you have to
be able to write both
flack-approved news flashes and
full-blown puff pieces,
has finally come back from the hiatus she took after "30 years of presenting the
true picture behind the Hollywood headlines." And this time the celebrity
supersleuth whose list of discoveries includes "Jimmy Dean, Natalie Wood, Elvis Presley,
Bobby Darin, Fabian, Frankie Avalon, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, etc., etc." has
something besides just The Truth to hawk —
lavender-based anti-aging creams
created on Rona's own organic farm. "As many people know, I love uncovering new discoveries," Barrett notes, showing some of the Menckenesque phrasing that made
her such a hit with Good Morning America audiences, "and so I am
thrilled to re-enter public life by introducing new quality lavender
products to the world and joining in a resurgence of the plant's healthful
benefits and popularity." Think anti-aging creams ($116.00 per ounce) hit the
online shopping demo at, well, only an oblique angle? Well they told Jeff Bezos
Americans weren't reading books anymore, and look where he is. Or actually,
don't look where he is. We're a little disappointed that a lavender-identified site
doesn't have a more openly gay appeal, but we're happy to have the
author of the "best selling intimate autobiography, Miss Rona" back,
and not just because we're looking forward to the weekly "Rona Report" scheduled
to begin next month. This is shaping up to be a blue Christmas all around, and whatever
it takes to put a little pink back into the sallow complexion of online shopping, we'll
take two!
courtesy of the Sucksters |
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