S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 27 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.



What will the year 2020 bring us? Self-replicating robots? Maybe. A cure for male pattern baldness? Perhaps. Blair Witch IX? Without a doubt. In 1978, John Carpenter invented the modern slasher movie with Halloween, and now, over two decades later, the franchise is still going strong, as are Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and to a lesser degree, the genre's cross-dressing grandfather, Psycho.

By now we know that there's ultimately no way to kill Michael Myers and his monstrous brethren. But is it possible, we wonder, to produce sequels so bad they would, like a wooden stake driven through the heart of a slumbering vampire, snuff out these now-uninspired exercises in brand zombiefication for good? Probably not. But to celebrate Halloween 2000, we give it a try anyway.

 

Crimes, misdemeanors, and a few disembowelments
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