Meanwhile, the convention itself went on with business as usual: swinging Hollywood parties thrown on behalf of wealthy donors at night ("I met Brad Pitt! We're BUDS now!" exclaimed some big-spending dot com doofus from Omaha after one of these shindigs); while the relentlessly maudlin sob-sister bleatings over "working families" and "The Children" continued unabated in the main hall.

The clincher for me was when they announced an upcoming "tribute to caregivers," where I assumed a bunch of beaming politicians would be sharing center stage with a handful of multi-ethnic bedpan changers. That was my cue to escape permanently to the "Media Suite" with its free food and beer (thanks, BellSouth!), though I still had to sit under a display of coerced "children's' art," i.e.: uninspired scribbles proclaiming "Pleez dont HIT peepl," and "dont litr the owshin," while I gnawed on my hot dog. There was no escape!

Eventually, Gore (who, word on the street has it, is a Whore) made his acceptance speech. He recited a huge laundry list of "programs" that he vowed to spend even more money on, and his approval rating skyrocketed the next day. YES to Free Money! High Fives All Around! He also promised more "tax breaks" for "working families." What the hell is a "Working Family," anyway? Or more to the point, who or what ISN'T in one? And what do you call those? "Jerk-off Families"? Is that who Bush represents? The Slacker Families of America?

Of course, Bush is for "Working Families" too. And "The Children." AND "Family Values" (?!?). So is Buchanan. So is Nader! They're ALL for The Children and Working Families and Family Values! You can't go wrong with ANY of these candidates, folks! I say let's vote for ALL of them! They can SHARE the White House! They can share it with THE HOMELESS, seeing how they all CARE so goddamned much. And how about some more public funding for even MORE coerced "children's art" exhibits while were at it! I sure care about bad Children's Art. DON'T YOU?