• Has long-term unhealthy relationships that look fabulous at first, then quickly turn into a living hell

• Totally hates his current life but insists that everything is just fine

• Has very, very close friends, you just haven't met them, so how would you know?

Has The Ego Strength To:

• Get out of bed in the morning

• Beat back his pessimism with a relentless flow of self-help literature

• Keep his mouth shut and admit nothing to no one

Has The Energy To:

• Become outraged at any hint that he's not perfect

• Watch bad TV

• Toss and turn at night

• Concoct elaborate psychological analysis of anyone who doesn't do things exactly the way that he would do them

Mainly Concerned With: Explaining why your concerns for him are not only unwarranted but are also quite condescending, and in expressing them, you're actually just revealing how not-OK you are with just "being" and allowing others to be, no, instead you have to interpret his reality for him when you really don't grasp the subtleties of his situation at all, but moreover, it's really none of your fucking business

Most Serious Challenge: Admitting that he's wrong - just like Fonzie!

Response to the Statement "I Hate You": "Well, it's tough not to hate other people when you hate yourself."



• Discombobulated

• Paranoid

• Temperamental

• Friendless

• Deeply upsetting

Has The Ego Strength To:

• Curse the day you were born

• Proclaim with conviction that "the world is filled with selfish motherfuckers who don't know shit about shit!"

Has The Energy To:

• Breathe

• Grow hair

• Eat milk chocolate if it's placed in front of her, very close to her mouth

• Plot revenge on those who have crossed her

Mainly Concerned With: Going back to sleep

Most Serious Challenge: Watching TV in the rec room without screaming at the television set and disturbing her mentally fragile peers

Response to the Statement "I Hate You": "Finally, you're being honest! What a fucking relief! And I don't blame you, I hate me, too, and I hate you, and I hate this stupid life and everyone who's living it! Don't give me any more fucking chocolate, either! You with your goddamn chocolate!"

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