THE EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY TWEAKED

Characteristics:

• Has decent, 2-year relationships with other ever-so-slightly tweaked people like himself

• Has dreams of a great career that keep him from totally hating his current job

• Makes friends easily, but loses them just as easily out of mismanaged fallouts or neglect

Has The Ego Strength To:

• Compliment others insincerely

• Remain in monogamous relationship for exactly 2 years

• Refer to self as "trying harder these days"

Has The Energy To:

• Pay rent on time

• Eat decent meals occasionally

• Raise houseplants that look healthy at first

• Plan some get-togethers with friends, omitting whoever's currently on his shit list

Mainly Concerned With: Finding ways to look busy at work while flipping through the Garnet Hill catalog and daydreaming about a better life

Most Serious Challenge: Getting past that point in a relationship where he's not interested in sex, has nothing to say, and sort of has a vague urge to fuck someone else as soon as humanly possible

Response to the Statement "I Hate You": "I guess we should talk that over and see where that's coming from, but not right now, I'm really busy."

THE SLIGHTLY OBSESSIVE/NEUROTIC

Characteristics:

• Has occasional relationships that look promising at first, but end up shriveling up under the obsessive/neurotic magnifying glass after about 2 months

• Totally hates her current job

• Has a few close friends and several ex-friends who were once close but victimized her in some way that made it impossible to talk to them again, ever

Has The Ego Strength To:

• Chat with others every now and then, when she's had a few beers

• Remain optimistic about finding the "right" person someday

• Admit that "things actually sort of suck right now, but I'll deal."

Has The Energy To:

• Complain incessantly

• Overanalyze every single interaction with the opposite sex

• Get defensive at inappropriate times

• Plan occasional outings with friends, which sometimes end in drunkenness and a verbally abusive exchange with a stranger

Mainly Concerned With:

• Trying not to be so controlling all the time and

• Trying not to drink too much

Most Serious Challenge: Telling people what she thinks without letting all her emotions get bottled up, because when she's all bottled up she lets her emotions out by drinking a lot and breaking something valuable for no good reason or fucking someone for no good reason

Response to the Statement "I Hate You": "I never did anything to you! You're fucking crazy!"