"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 30 August 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler 08.30.00


The older you get, the more clearly you realize the vast web of pathological thought patterns and defensive tics that make up your personality. Looking back, can't you see, now, how all of your neurotic, obsessive, defensive, fault-finding, bad-headed behaviors led you down the path to pain, heartbreak, angry neighbors, and bad service?

You can't? Well look closer. The problem is you.

But just how nutso are you, Johnny? Read on and find out which Mental Health Category you belong in.



• Has healthy, fulfilling, long-term relationship with another disturbingly healthy person like herself

• Has satisfying career that is progressing at a reasonable clip

• Makes friends easily; has plenty of very close, uncomplicated friendships

Has The Ego Strength To:

• Compliment others sincerely and mean it

• Remain in monogamous relationship

• Refer to self as "dreadfully boring"

Has The Energy To:

• Volunteer

• Work out and eat right

• Raise children who don't seem outwardly deranged

• Plan elaborate theme parties featuring handmade party favors or exquisite decorations or little pots of fondue

Mainly Concerned With: Finding ways to help out some of her less disturbingly healthy friends

Most Serious Challenge: Picking out the proper font for her wedding invitations

Response to the Statement "I Hate You": "Oh! Well, we should talk about that! What's going on? Did I do something to make you angry?"

Next... From slightly tweaked to severely freaked!