Which of the following things indicate to you that someone is stupid?

1. He talks endlessly about boring shit that you would never talk about.

2. He doesn't sit around reading books or doing any of the things that you value doing.

3. He didn't have an unhealthy desire to please his domineering parents by studying hard and doing well in school like you did.

4. He likes drinking tall boys and driving his car around in the mud until it overheats, which can't possibly be more fun than watching reruns of NYPD Blue every night like you do.

5. He fights with his wife about stupid shit, unlike you — you and your wife only fight about really important stuff.

6. He thinks that Elvis is the coolest thing since sliced bread when it's perfectly obvious that the coolest thing since sliced bread is Elvis Costello.

7. He shops at Walmart because he stupidly lives in a town where there aren't a wide range of eclectic overpriced boutiques catering to his every whim.

8. He eats Dinty Moore Beef Stew from the can because he's a complete pig who didn't learn a thing about manners because his parents weren't bourgeois social-ladder-climbing swine like yours, and therefore he doesn't know the overwhelming importance of following strict rules of etiquette in order to avoid the scrutiny of the offspring of bourgeois social-ladder-climbing swine like yourself.

9. He lives in very close proximity to his extended family and he hangs out with them a lot because he doesn't hate his bourgeois social-ladder-climbing swine parents so much that he feels compelled to move halfway across the country to get the fuck away from them.

10. He goes to see mindless Hollywood blockbusters like "Gladiator" which are so idiotic and pointless and so much less entertaining than renting Monty Python's Holy Grail for the fiftieth time like you did last weekend.

11. He believes everything he reads in the paper, instead of believing everything he reads in the alternative weekly paper, like you do.

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