"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 26 May 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.





[yeah, you bet. ]

We don't like Suck reruns any more than you do. But Polly Esther's guide to friendship remains as vital now as it was when it was originally published back in the Lewinsky era. And given Suck's steady trickle of new readers, we know that most of you have never seen this masterpiece before. The rest of you need to see it again. Think of it this way: Just as the networks repackage the classics for new generations and old, Suck brings back the past to give an example to the present — not as a memento of what has past before, but as a beacon of what is eternally alive.

Rarely is it the perfect blendship. If your friends aren't angry because you blew them off, they're blowing you off. If they're not constantly confronting you with complaints, they're stewing in their own juices or complaining about you behind your back. If they're not stealing the last bite of your roast beef sub, they're absconding with your favorite books and never returning them or ruining your favorite sweater or spilling bongwater all over your white carpet or scratching your favorite CDs or stealing your boyfriend or blaming you for their need for therapy.

And it would probably still work out fine, if you weren't just as bad as they are. So you're left to make new friends to replace the old (one's annoying, and the other's cold). Because what else is there to do, besides give up on friendship entirely and become isolated and alienated and lose all your social skills until you're un-befriendable - let alone mentally unstable and unemployable?

We've tried it before - it's unpleasant. Just remember that resigning yourself to your current friendships doesn't mean you can't keep searching for ... The Perfect Friend.

Next ... Searching for Jolly Fetcher


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