"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 14 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.




The following message appeared Tuesday on a mailing list to which one Suckster is subscribed. Names have been changed:

Hello everybody. This is news for those of you who knew my upstairs neighbor, Cliff Newberry. Cliff had not been around for the past week and a half and I wondered where he was since he usually only left home for a few days only to check in to detox. And this was quite occasional, only occurring when Cliff was in serious health trouble. Apparently he died while I was away about a week and a half ago. Even Stan Ortlip, his roommate, had no idea where Cliff was when I asked him a couple of days ago. For some reason I feel a real sense of tragedy with Cliff because he was in a lot of ways a life never realized, and he was so miserable the past few months. Because of his misery, I'm glad he's gone, but I have to say I will miss him. He had a good heart. He really did. Cliff was 43 years old.


At first we were taken aback by Jerry's no-nonsense, unromanticized obituary style. But as it turns out, this was just the first of many such warts-and-all death notices that have been piling up in the mailroom throughout the week. Email has already adapted itself to many of the social activities that round out our little lives. But for that ultimate inactivity, it appears the Worldwide Dead Letter Office remains woefully ill-equipped, despite the best efforts of our friends at Evite and Blue Mountain. Some recent samples follow.

To: Recipient list suppressed

As some of you may know, Ted Murret died this weekend. As Ted was constantly smoking my weed, his death is, in one sense, a great relief to me. But he could be a lot of fun as a roommate, and I really will miss him. Also, we have a room open in our apartment.





To: The whole damn office!

Since my grandmother Luz Maria was pretty much confined to a home for the past 12 years, most of you may not have been aware that she was alive. Anyway, now she's not. Like many Cubans who were forced to flee in 1959, Abuela carried a lot of anger, and here is the funniest thing: Although she was pretty out of it in recent years, over the past couple of months whenever she saw Elian coverage on TV, she'd start hitching and grunting in this really energetic way. At least that's what my mom says — I couldn't stand to visit her when she was such a drooling imbecile. If I ever start to get like that, please shoot me. ;-) We will be having a quiet memorial service in a couple of weeks. I'll send you details.


To: League mailing list

A lot of people are curious for details about the death of Jimmy. All of us who were in the backseat came out fine, but we didn't get to see much of what happened up front when the car flipped. One thing I did see that totally freaked me out: Jimmy's head got twisted all the way around. While we were waiting for them to cut us out of the car, it felt like he was looking at me. That was pretty fucked up. I'll have more details on my site in a couple days. The good news is I don't think he suffered much. Jimmy was a great guy, and I'm sure we'll all miss him, but that was a weird couple of minutes.


"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean They're not out to get you."




To: Tri-state chapter members

The newspapers' coverage of the tragic death of Mack Osborne is unfortunately accurate. Mack's wife Sandy is a lovely woman, and it is a total mystery how something like this could have happened. But it's important to remember that this is the kind of tragedy that probably could have been avoided with proper training in gun safety and handling, NOT with so-called "tougher gun laws." Needless to say, none of the media have been reporting this fact. I'll follow up with details about the Mack and Sandy Osborne Fund.

Ed Partin

"Which part of the Constitution don't you understand?"




To: Recipient list suppressed

This is a slight correction to the earlier post I sent about Ted Murret. I came home last night, and Ted was sitting on the couch like always, watching The Jeffersons. Wow! To make a long story short, it's Tim Murray who's dead. Thanks to everybody who asked about our room, and good luck finding a place!





To: Orders

It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing of Maureen Tingle. Maureen was more than just an office manager. She was a kind of den mother for everybody in the office. She brightened up the whole place just by being around, and although she could have her moods, she was always there for her co-workers. Maureen also learned the ins and outs of our online fulfillment system better than, well, anybody in the office. Therefore, we hope that you will be patient as we get your order sent out to you!


Geof Kupperman
Vice President

courtesy of theSucksters
picturesTerry Colon