Paul from Accounting wishes to

acknowledge that, when he said

"Butthead Steve" at the

watercooler yesterday, he was

referring not to Steve in

Accounting, but the other Steve

in Estate Planning. He regrets

the inaccuracy and its

unpleasant repercussions.

Jane and Bob Ressler wish to

notify friends that an

organizational oversight

resulted in half their mailing

list receiving two holiday

cards, while the other half

received none. They also wish to

express their sincere regret

— and intense feelings of

vulnerability — for

accidentally sending six blank

checks to someone, somewhere.

As God is its witness, the

Righteous Council for Violent

Revolution wishes to make a

clarification. In our most

recent list of demands, we

neglected to add two large

de-cafs and a plain scone. No

currants!

Local weatherman Tony Majors was

wrong yesterday when he said it

would rain today. He attributes

this falsehood to the same

computer simulation that has

foiled similar predictions in

the past. A sophisticated

"blue-screen" effect may also

have created the impression that

Majors was hovering in space

above the North American

continent during his weather

report. In fact, Majors remained

in our studio for the duration

of his report. WXYZ-TV also

wishes to underscore the fact

that forecasting is more art

than science, even though

"meteorology" sounds pretty

scientific.

A lapse in judgement resulted in

the nonseparation of colors and

whites in at least one load of

laundry last week. We are sorry

for any inconvenience this may

cause in the Parsons household,

and among our friends,

colleagues, and vendors. Also,

the recycling has not been

sorted or set out in recent

weeks.

In a junior-varsity scrimmage

last month, Right Tackle Justin

Meyer forgot the punchline to a

hilarious joke, mumbling

something incoherent instead .

His shame may now be lifted. The

correct punchline is: "And the

mouse said, 'Suffer, bitch!'"

During the holiday shopping

rush, a temp working register

No. 2 recommended Love in the

Time of Cholera to numerous

customers. Garcia-Marquez's best

work is actually 100 Years of

Solitude. This is now official

bookstore policy.

In a casual conversation at

Men's Wearhouse, coworker Nick

Stockton asserted that it's

gauche to wear white in the

winter. While this statement is

technically accurate, the

speaker confused Labor Day with

Memorial Day.

The table in the back ordered a

small cheese pizza and ceasar

salad, neither with anchovies.

On a related note, they are

vegetarians but not vegans, and

still haven't received their

beverages.

An older gentleman looking for

49th Street in a white minivan

was told to take two lefts, and

then bear right after the yield

sign. He was told he couldn't

miss it. 49th Street is actually

called King's Highway at this

point. We regret this error.

Seventh-grader Wallace Dahl is

no longer considered a "wussie"

or a "wimp," and eighth graders

will refrain in future from

showing him anything but

profound respect from a safe

distance. Also, Debate Club is

not "totally pussy," as

previously reported.

Steve from Accounting has

confirmed that there is no Steve

in Estate Planning. In fact,

there is no Estate Planning

department. Also, Paul is no

longer with the company.