THE BIOLOGICAL WEAPON




Wants: To get pregnant in the next two years

Needs: To tone down her demands a little, at least until after the first few dates

Mainly Concentrating On: The fact that her need to have kids is starting to define her, which sucks, since she's a complex human being with a lot more going on than just the need to procreate, and the whole thing is so cliché, but still, it's a real problem, and what the fuck is she supposed to do, sit around waiting while her eggs run out?

Benefits: Intelligent, straightforward, focused, realistic; pursuing her goal of having kids before she's 35 with the tenacity of a Navy Seal

Drawbacks: Soon you'll wish she'd get called away to a dangerous war in a faraway land.

Fun: Entertaining the notion of having kids with such a smart, driven, all-around great woman

Not-So-Fun: Actually having to do so immediately

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Has an appointment in the spring to freeze her eggs but is afraid to tell anyone about it for fear of sounding like the Meg Ryan character in a Nora Ephron film

With Her, You'll Be: Evasive and noncommittal or a father — very very soon.




THE WARM HIPPIE




Wants: To fix you a nice cup of herbal tea and ask you all about what you've been up to lately

Needs: To state one opinion or perspective that isn't just bland positive reinforcement and grooviness

Mainly Concentrating On: How totally great it is that you're so totally focused on what you want to do with your life, even if your little goals might seem sort of pointless to someone who doesn't know any better, because being focused on improving yourself is so totally rare today!

Benefits: Sooo down to earth and just so laid back and wonderful and with such a great energy about her! She really sees the real you; she sees how lovable and special you are, and that is sooo comforting.

Drawbacks: Has six other children — er, men — hanging around who are apparently just as lovable and special as you are

Fun: Being with her is like drinking a banana smoothie and reading a really inspiring self-help book.

Not so fun: After a few weeks of smoothies and self-help books, every cell cries out for a whiskey sour and a dark, compelling novel.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once tried to clean her bong by filling it with bleach, then forgot about it, and ended up accidentally killing several very lovable, special men

With Her, You'll Be: Vapid and bored, but too stoned to care





 
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