THE BIOLOGICAL WEAPON
Needs: To tone down her demands a little, at least until after the first few dates
Mainly Concentrating On: The fact that her need to have kids is starting to define her, which sucks, since she's a complex human being with a lot more going on than just the need to procreate, and the whole thing is so cliché, but still, it's a real problem, and what the fuck is she supposed to do, sit around waiting while her eggs run out?
Benefits: Intelligent, straightforward, focused, realistic; pursuing her goal of having kids before she's 35 with the tenacity of a Navy Seal
Drawbacks: Soon you'll wish she'd get called away to a dangerous war in a faraway land.
Fun: Entertaining the notion of having kids with such a smart, driven, all-around great woman
Not-So-Fun: Actually having to do so immediately
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Has an appointment in the spring to freeze her eggs but is afraid to tell anyone about it for fear of sounding like the Meg Ryan character in a Nora Ephron film
With Her, You'll Be: Evasive and noncommittal or a father very very soon.
Needs: To state one opinion or perspective that isn't just bland positive reinforcement and grooviness
Mainly Concentrating On: How totally great it is that you're so totally focused on what you want to do with your life, even if your little goals might seem sort of pointless to someone who doesn't know any better, because being focused on improving yourself is so totally rare today!
Benefits: Sooo down to earth and just so laid back and wonderful and with such a great energy about her! She really sees the real you; she sees how lovable and special you are, and that is sooo comforting.
Drawbacks: Has six other children er, men hanging around who are apparently just as lovable and special as you are
Fun: Being with her is like drinking a banana smoothie and reading a really inspiring self-help book.
Not so fun: After a few weeks of smoothies and self-help books, every cell cries out for a whiskey sour and a dark, compelling novel.
Deepest, Darkest Secret: Once tried to clean her bong by filling it with bleach, then forgot about it, and ended up accidentally killing several very lovable, special men
With Her, You'll Be: Vapid and bored, but too stoned to care
Next ... Are you a free range chickenshit?