THE JILTED




Wants: To find someone who won't go off and fuck someone else and lie about it like some kind of heartless, selfish fucking asshole

Needs: To attend a Buddhist summer camp for enraged, betrayed individuals

Mainly Concentrating On: How you're way too attractive and young to be trustworthy and how what she really needs is an older, balding guy, preferrably one with a disfiguring skin disease

Benefits: Passionately loyal and committed. If you're older, balding, or have a disfiguring skin disease, this is your chance to land a babe who's way out of your league!

Drawbacks: A one-time, non-refundable offer; not for the faint of heart

Fun: Eventually, she thinks she'll start trying to get to the point where she can start to think about trying to try again with someone new, and then she'll be able to really open up and give of herself completely.

Not-So-Fun: All you'll do until then is talk about starting to try to get to the point where thinking about trying to try again is possible.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She vowed never to speak to her ex-husband again, but they have to speak to coordinate shared custody of a golden retriever. She's made up for this unfortunate compromise by feeding the dog Ex-Lax so it shits all over her husband's house.

With Her, You'll Be: A heartless, selfish fucking asshole.




LITTLE MISS LOOK AT ME




Wants: For you to point out how amazingly petite she is and how adorable she looks in that outfit

Needs: Some way of editing her thoughts before they exit her mouth

Mainly Concentrating On: How amazingly petite she is and how adorable she looks in that outfit

Benefits: Perky as a contestant in a high school cheerleading competition!

Drawbacks: There's no chance she'll fall from the top of a pyramid and break her neck.

Fun: If you praise her constantly, she'll be as lovable as a purring kitten.

Not-So-Fun: If you don't praise her constantly, she'll be as lovable as scratching, clawing cat with dingleberries stuck to its ass.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Her nickname in high school was "Easy Cheese."

With Her, You'll Be: A simpering, spineless kiss-ass





 
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