Wants: To handle this client at work and then come home and get in your pants, pronto

Needs: A play pen, a rattle, and some Ritalin

Mainly Concentrating On: How to get you to be more "naughty" in the sack

Benefits: Being with him is like dating a porn star.

Drawbacks: He's not as hung but just as dumb.

Fun: He's never tired or quiet or uninterested in sex.

Not-so-Fun: He's never tired or quiet or uninterested in sex.

Deepest Darkest Secret: Thinks that "clitoris" is some kind of herb they put in fresh salsa

With Him, You'll Be: Tired, quiet, and uninterested in sex

MR. SPIRITUAL

Wants: To create the possibility of pursuing intimacy with you

Needs: To know that them's fightin' words

Mainly Concentrating On: How many negative mythologies you have built up that need to be tossed aside, preferably via really good incense-fueled, Kama-Sutra-type sex

Benefits: Sees your bratty or selfish behavior as a surmountable challenge, a wondrous maze that both of you will traverse together in order to honor the spirit inside both of you

Drawbacks: Sees his bratty or selfish behavior as a justified effort to "take care of himself" and "nurture his soul"

Fun: Sensitive, unselfconscious, grows good pot

Not-So-Fun: Smells funny, sits cross-legged, will make you read Conversations with God

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Spent several dark years as an avid Scientologist

With Him, You'll Be: Rolling your eyes constantly