Wants: To let you know just how successful he is at manipulating his image in order to win friends and lovers

Needs: The modicum of self-awareness it would take to recognize how foolish he sounds

Mainly Concentrating On: How many people are checking him out

Benefits: Looks good, smells good, feels good; likes overanalyzing surface things and having long, girlish conversations about insecurities and neuroticisms

Drawbacks: When he breaks out his modeling portfolio, with all those pictures of his pants unzipped to reveal his pubic hair, you'll suddenly know that you never want to look at, smell, or feel him again.

Fun: Driving in his old Volvo sports coupe to a house in the Hamptons

Not-So-Fun: Being asked for the umpteenth time on the way whether or not you think his save-the-wildlife license plate is "kind of faggy"

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He worries that everything he does is "kind of faggy" mostly because ... well, you know.

With Him, You'll Be: Self-conscious, financially reckless, constantly annoyed, sexually frustrated

THE OLD GUY

Wants: To find someone nice to spend the rest of his days with

Needs: One of those devices that yanks out stray nose hairs

Mainly Concentrating On: How great it is to stand around talking to a pretty young thing like you and how much greater it would be if you were both sitting down

Benefits: Predictable, appreciative, into commitment; wants to hurry up and marry you before his back gives out so he'll still get blow jobs when he's bed-ridden

Drawbacks: He's, like, old.

Fun: Has Kleenex stuffed in his pockets just in case you need to blow your nose; uses youthful slang with irony

Not-So-Fun: Kleenexes are crumpled and slightly unsanitary; uses the term "making love" without irony

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He wants you to call him "Daddy."

With Him, You'll Be: Cashing Medicare checks and mixing Geritol powder into homemade tapioca