S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 25 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 

Stultimatum

 

[]

To Whom It May Concern:

 

We the righteous warriors of the

Symbionese Liberation Army wish

to claim responsibility for the

massive explosions that took

place in every major European

city on 1 January 2000 (by the

Western imperialist calendar),

and in some American cities. Now

it can be told how operatives

from Symbia were able to

infiltrate London, Paris,

Madrid, and Washington DC,

allowing the SLA to light up the

skies as if it were the middle

of the day with powerful,

bright, and unpleasantly loud

explosions. Let this be a clear

and unambiguous warning to all

infidels who would stand in our

way. Failure to cooperate with

our wishes will inevitably lead

to similarly frightening

displays — perhaps as soon

as this July.

 

Furthermore, our extensive

network of zealous sympathizers

have strict orders to once again

litter the streets of most

mid-sized Western cities if our

demands are not met. With a

moment's notice, your rivers

will again overflow with

champagne bottles and beer cans,

and you will face a plague of

Whopper wrappers and a bitter

harvest of cigarette butts and

chewing-gum foil.

 

[]

You may wonder why the SLA was

unable to carry out this

concentrated global campaign of

terror in America, where things

remained relatively calm. It is

true that the cowardly Americans

were exceedingly vigilant during

their so-called "New Year's"

holiday, mostly staying home

like the paranoid yellow pig

dogs they are. But we have not

played our last card. Just as

journalists around the world

kept audiences enthralled on 1

January by claiming that the

real Y2K mayhem would only begin

at the start of business on the

following Monday, so are we now

spreading the seeds of terror

over the digital chaos that will

be unleashed come the end of the

first fiscal quarter. And if

that doesn't work, our

operatives are fanning out to

chat rooms and coffee houses in

all the 50 states and Guam,

where they will continually

point out, in annoying

smarty-pants tones, that the

21st century actually begins on

1 January 2001.

 

We are confident that our various

alternative strategies in the

heart of the imperialist beast

will prove successful over time.

Suffice it to say that many

Americans have already been

sickened by certain Grammy

nominations! Was it mere

coincidence that millions of

Golden Globe watchers were

forced to confront the method

brilliance of Jim Carrey and the

timeless artistry of American

Beauty at the same time? Our

next assault will be even more

diabolical. We plan to carry out

more massive corporate mergers

such as the recent AOL–Time

Warner deal, which was highly

unsettling to a number of

influential capitalists. Perhaps

the unholy coupling of

Amazon.com and NPR will be

enough to convince you that the

SLA means business!

 

[]

Our previous demands have been

well documented, but we shall

reiterate them. First, we

require the immediate and

unconditional release of

Kathleen Soliah, now Sara Jane

Olson, or at least a decent

made-for-TV movie. And no more

decaf lattes with skim milk!

 

Finally, please disregard similar

communications from the IRA,

Hamas, the KLA, the PKK, the

FLN, the Taliban, the ETA, the

SDA, BET, the AARP, AT&T, MGD,

ICUP, the former band mates of

Mr. Mister, and anyone else

trying to claim responsibility

for these righteous acts of

retribution and revolution.

Unfortunately, this statement

was slightly delayed due to

unanticipated problems with our

word processors, fax machines,

and telephones.

 
courtesy of E. L. Skinner
 
picturesTerry Colon