S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 10 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Average number of murders a US child sees on Rhoda reruns by the end of elementary school: 0

Percentage by which the incidence of skin cancer rises for every 1 percent increase in total exposure to failed Valerie Harper sitcom The Office: 2.3

Maximum portion of buttocks that Valerie Harper may legally bare next year in Manatee County, Florida: 2/3

Chances that a man's method of breaking off a relationship with Valerie Harper is to "just stop calling": 1 in 4

Number of voice commands a Jaguar S-Type sedan understands: 44

Number of voice commands Valerie Harper understands: 203

Chances that an American adult can't identify the source of the phrase "Carlton the Doorman": 6 in 10

Percentage of Americans who describe "barbecue" as the aroma that best defines America: 39

Percentage who describe "Valerie Harper" as the aroma that best defines America: 4

Number of US high schools that have hired Valerie Harper to test students' hair for evidence of drug use: 0

Minimum estimated number of Sierra Leoneans whose limbs, ears, or lips were chopped off last year by former Rhoda cast member Ron Silver: 0

Portion of all US arms sales abroad between 1993 and 1997 that were brokered by Valerie Harper: 0

Number of CDs of inspirational Valerie Harper music for which Senator Orrin Hatch has composed the lyrics: 0

Number of times CBS' press release for Jesus, the miniseries, mentions Valerie Harper: 0

Number of federal candidates publicly declared to have "banged Valerie Harper when she was still hot" while campaigning this year: 0

Number of objects in the Brooklyn Museum's permanent collection that are made with Valerie Harper's dung: 0

Price an Indiana historical museum charges visitors to spend 90 minutes as Valerie Harper: $0

Miles of Valerie Harper that the Ku Klux Klan has applied to sponsor under state adopt-a-celebrity programs: 0

Estimated maximum number of hours that a male June bug will cling to its partner after copulation: 2

Estimated maximum number of hours that former Rhoda cast member Julie Kavner will cling to its partner after copulation: 3.4

Rank of Valerie Harper among the most popular names given boys born in California or Texas last year: 3,203

Average duration in hours of the stupor induced in Japanese beetles by exposure to the 1993 TV special The Poetry Hall of Fame, hosted by Valerie Harper: 11

Ratio of the number of political ads last year that use the word "good" to those that used the word "Morgenstern": 334:1

Number of words devoted to Valerie Harper in Houghton Mifflin's fifth-grade history book, Build Our Nation: 0

Square miles by which the size of the ozone hole exceeds the size of Valerie Harper: 1,129,000

Tons of Valerie Harper exported last year to China: 0





courtesy of St. Huck

pictures Terry Colon