"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 29 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.


When man first named the stars, he looked to the gods and legends of his time for aid in mapping out the heavens. Is it appropriate that over two millennia later, we should be beholden to a fanciful antiquity in naming the constellations? Especially when we are blessed with a much greater wealth of imagery than our forebears? Suck suggests that the starry firmament is just too, too tired and in radical need of a postmodern update. We therefore provide the modern stargazer with a more relevant guide to the celestial dome.

Old Constellation: The Big Dipper (Ursa Major)
New Constellation: Chamberlainicus

Few mortals deserve a higher place in the heavens than Wilt Chamberlain, whose achievements range from scoring 100 points to copulating with 10,000 women. In the new constellation, the murky object directly to the left of the Alcor minicluster will represent a cloud of stellar semen in the Flamsteed system, or the points of the great man's career-scoring lists in the Harvard Revised designation. The Mizar A & B binary system will represent Chamberlain's celestial testes.

Old Constellation: Draco (the dragon)
New Constellation: Goro, the Half-dragon Henchman of Shao Kahn

The image of Draco the Dragon is surely one of the fiercest of ancient mythology, and well suited to the vast reaches of space. But years of Disneyfication and role-playing games have robbed Draco of his power. Today we need a new symbol of terrible, all-consuming strength. And what more chilling symbol can there be than Goro, the mighty half-man/half-dragon whose four-armed blows meet Mortal Kombat challengers who have dispatched their human rivals?

Old Constellation: The Little Dipper (Ursa Minor)
New Constellation: Oprah Minor

The most powerful woman in media most certainly deserves a place far above the darkling plain. In Oprah Minor, the queen of talk is placed where all people can be inspired by her wisdom, compassion, and weight-loss magic. E395, the lacquered nail of Oprah's finger, can be seen in most latitudes during winter, and emerges on the horizon for charity events and book promotions.

Old Constellation: Pegasus the Flying Horse
New Constellation: Ignitus the Space Shuttle Challenger

No image is more burned into the eyes of mankind than that of the noble Space Shuttle Challenger, which left the mossy bounds of Earth only to ascend into heaven for a too brief moment before exploding. Zeus will set the remains of the space shuttle among the stars, with Algenib, the B2IV blue subgiant that formerly marked Pegasus' wing, representing the fatal O-ring. Discernable miniclusters F493 and E320 represent the soaring jet trail, interrupted at its apex by disaster.

Old Constellation: Pisces
New Constellation: Sucky the Fish

Pisces is among the least glamorous of the classical constellations, carrying with it no ennobling myth. Hardly fit for the white-hot media age! Suck's own mascot, Sucky the Fish, makes an ideal upgrade for Pisces, and guarantees that anyone born under his sign will be wall-eyed with delight at living in such an exciting period.

Old Constellation: Orion the Hunter
New Constellation: Annoyus the Express-Line Cheat

While the immortal hunter carried a bronze club in one hand and the pelt of a lion in the other, his modern successor attempts to subvert the "Limit 10 Items or Less" (sic) rule with several pairs of buy-one-get-one-free boxes of Eggos. Rigel, the hot blue B8IA supergiant that formerly served as the Hunter's foot, now represents the case of Coke our supermarket bore is too lazy to lift out of his shopping cart, forcing the checkout clerk to call for a lengthy price check while more responsible shoppers are forced to wait. The line of stars that once formed Orion's belt now symbolize a trail of Bermuda onions that the selfish star voyager insists on counting as one item.

Other constellations for future consideration:

Old Constellation
Sagittarius the Archer
Aquarius the Water Bearer
New Constellation
Pornicus the Porn Star
Mr. T
Mama Cass
Aquarius the Water Sports Enthusiast


words the Sucksters   pictures Terry Colon