"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 27 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Filler 10.27.99


Lots of you have written to ask about Mr. Flinchy and his commitment-phobic ways. Why does he flourish in our towns and in our cities? Where did he come from? When will he go the hell back and stop torturing us with his insufferable flinchiness, once and for all?

For all of you, I've compiled a little Mr. Flinchy FAQ — because we all have a Mr. Flinchy in our lives.

Q: Why doesn't Mr. Flinchy love me?

A: Because Mr. Flinchy is probably looking for someone a little more like me. Oops. I mean, because Mr. Flinchy knows that commitment means sleeping with one person as opposed to several people. Mr. Flinchy would prefer to sleep with several people.

Q: Can Mr. Flinchy actually pull this off?

A: Mr. Flinchy never, ever pulls this off, which is why he can't stop trying.

Q: Why do I always think someone is gonna be totally different from all the rest, and then he ends up being just another Mr. Flinchy?

A: Unfortunately, we women tend to encourage each others' states of suspended disbelief. It's more fun that way, and the sex is better. But we should cut that shit out once and for all.

Q: When Mr. Flinchy says, "I just don't want a girlfriend right now," isn't he really saying, "Your thighs are fat and they kind of gross me out"?

A: Well, are your thighs kind of fat?

Q: That's not very empowered of you.

A: If you were remotely empowered, you wouldn't give a crap whether Mr. Flinchy loved you or not.

Q: That's so true. Let's have another drink.

A: You should have a vodka tonic. You're looking kind of puffy.

Q: Suppose my thighs weren't kind of fat, and I was exactly perfect for Mr. Flinchy. Would he drop this crap about not wanting a girlfriend then?

A: Unlike women, who can see within milliseconds whether or not someone is their type, it takes Mr. Flinchy several years to determine whether or not a woman is perfect for him. That's why Mr. Flinchy is such a trap. You feel compelled to continue your exposure to him for years or more, regardless of his crappy attitude, hoping that you can charm and titillate him until he finally realizes you're perfect for him. But chances are he'll still spend those years thinking mostly about chili cheeseburgers or beating off.

Q: If you were remotely empowered, you wouldn't know so much about the endless quest to charm or titillate Mr. Flinchy.

A: That's so true. Let's have another drink.

Q: Aren't some people going to find this whole discussion a little cliché?

A: Mr. Flinchy will. But Mr. Flinchy loves it when we talk about him, regardless.

Q: Do you think reading a book like The Rules helps?

A: Helps what? To induce vomiting when you've accidentally overdosed on Tylenol? Yes.

Q: This is getting really depressing. But I can't stop talking about it.

A: That's so true. Let's have another drink.

Q: I think that guy over there is looking at me. He has a nice face. He looks totally different from all the rest.

A: I'm sure he is. You should go for it.

Next ... Dump-o-rama.

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