S U C K

"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 31 December 1997. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 

 
In 1998 ...
 

Ken Burns, the PBS cash cow and creator of The Civil War, Baseball, and many other staples of pledge-time programming, will work up to his magnum opus. Airing in late summer, the 30-part series will be called "Everything That Ever Happened Before." Critics will make an unholy stink over the fact that Burns relies primarily on 19th-century photographic evidence to tell the story. But even the most indignant naysayers will be mollified by the exhaustive - and exhausting - narrative, written and read by Thomas Pynchon, David Foster Wallace, and Don DeLillo. Siskel and Ebert will provide the enigmatic epigram used to promote the encyclopedic film on VHS sleeves, book adaptations, and Burger King packaging: "Leaves Nothing to the Imagination!" Tenured historians everywhere will report feelings of inadequacy and redundancy. The estate of Santayana will append the poet's greatest pronouncement to read, "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those who do are too." Suffering from a broad-based breakdown in the popular understanding of distinctions between historical eras and a public no longer able to distinguish cool decades from tacky ones, Pottery Barn will file for Chapter 11 protection.

 

 

courtesy of the Sucksters