Little known to sociologists, but widely recognized among the staff of Suck, there are levels of dependency and involvement. Cult affiliation can range from half-hearted and infrequent visits to the airport to the daily, continuous ingestion of insidious propaganda (we like to call these folks "our readers").

But, as Jim Jones would agree, a little cultlike devotion never hurt anyone (it's the full doses you have to worry about), so don't go running to the deprogrammers just because you've given away all your money, found someone to tell you what you're doing wrong, and no longer trust your family. Because it may not be a cult that' s the problem ... it could be love, it could be misguided patriotism, hell, it could be a really good TV show.

As a matter of fact, in these days of whine and Charlie Rose, it's getting harder and harder to tell what's a cult, what's romance, and what's just a great marketing plan.

Lucky for you, Suck knows the difference, and we've put together a handy self-diagnostic: Just rate how your situation fits the recognized "danger signs" of cult association (which we cribbed from psychologist Daniel Goleman).

How do we know the answers? How is it that Suck can help you keep straight devotion from deviousness? We can't say, but trust us.... In fact, we're the only ones you can trust.

Now, if you'll just give us all your worldly possessions, we'll get on with the diagnosis...